Dear Diary: A Look into My Feelings
Okay, okay, this hasn’t actually come from my diary but I am going to be open and honest with you all. I know I say this with every blog post, but here it goes again. I have sucked at blogging my Peace Corps service. I really thought that I would be a lot better about it. I’d like to say that it’s because I get very busy and caught up with so many things, well that would be a slight lie, sometimes I am just too lazy to write or too busy reading. Speaking of my reading, I have read ninety-eight books. I am two books away from my one hundred book goal. I can do it. Now let’s get back to my actual post.
I have just over two months left as a Peace Corps volunteer and let me be honest, I am struggling. Struggling with the desire to already be home, struggling with that fact that I am spending Christmas away from my family and Thanksgiving was already tremendously sad, struggling because most of my cohort leaves in less than a month and then I will have just about a month and a half still to go, but also struggling on how to say goodbye to my community, my school, my friends, and this country that has become my home. I cannot complain to much about being here in Uganda for a month and a half longer than my cohort or still being here for Christmas, I could have decided to go home before Christmas, however I had wanted to extend and got denied so I wanted to be here in Uganda as long as I could. I also get more money going home that way so I win in more ways than one.
I am sad to see myself go home because I honestly don’t feel like I did enough. I wish I had more time to do more things. Now, don’t read that and think I did nothing because I do believe I did a lot, I just focused on teaching and some after school clubs so I didn’t do a grant or build a library which makes me feel like a bad volunteer. I hate thinking things like that because I really do feel as though I have done a lot of good work teaching phonics and getting my students interested in reading with the books that I was able to provide for my school. I am also really hard on myself. I wish I was a better volunteer but that doesn’t make me a bad volunteer either.
I never thought I would say this but I am going to miss living in the girls dorm, constantly being greeted with good morning, good afternoon, and good evening, constantly I having kids around you laughing and shouting and just providing so much joy, and constantly have kids ask you question after question about your life because they want to know you. I haven’t always liked living in the dorm it was often loud while I was trying to sleep, the kids accidentally kicked a soccer ball at my window a few times, and I didn’t get a typical community. However, when I look back i am so thankful for this placement, being so close to my school and my students allowed me to be more involved with clubs and just at school in general. I don’t know how I am going to leave those kids. I hate thinking about it.
But I am so damn excited to go home. I have a lot waiting for me at home, my beautiful family, amazing friends, and my sweet guy. I am so excited to start my journey as an elementary school teacher. I cannot wait to work hard and get my own classroom. I may be in a preschool classroom for a little bit, but I don’t care. I love the little guys and I will be just as creative. I am officially going to start my life, I am going to settle down and I am thrilled. I have changed and I a scared I am going to be too different for some friends, but I like who I am. I feel like I am braver, wiser, kinder, more aware, and more consciences of a lot of important things. I want to be the change in so many situations and I think I can do that heading back to the states and beginning to settle down. I know I am going to go home and make new friends and that scares the shit out of me but it also leaves me very excited.
So I have just over two more months to say goodbye and prepare myself to go home and start a fresh. I am not going to walk away from old friendships but I realize that things have changed so even old friendships have to start over. I have been feeling very alone but I know I am not really. I am just away and life has continued so we all have to get re-acquainted and see where we fit again. Hopefully we still do.