My Scattered Thoughts on Life

        My blogging has been at a real low lately, and I am going to try and make up for it and blog more often because a lot has being going on and I am learning a ton of things about myself and others. One of my biggest things about this blog is being transparent, authentic, and honest with all of you about my journey and adventure here in Peace Corps Uganda. So here I go with recent updates on my life and what is happening,
The past month and a half I have been struggling more than I thought I would. I barely sleep which makes doing daily life very difficult because I am extremely exhausted. Honestly, there is probably only one thing that is causing me to not sleep. Many of you may know or have read on my blog here or the other blog forums that I write for, that I battle with anxiety. Some days are much worse than others; I have my highs and my lows. The past month and a half my anxiety has been higher more often than not. Ending term 1 getting ready for term 2, trying to prepare my classes, and new clubs, and also being so stressed out about all the new things we have starting in this term coming up. My anxiety is also off the charts because new relationships are forming and some are ending, old relationships from home are distant and silent. All those things cause me anxiety because I question everything. Do they like me, do they really want to be my friends, can I trust them, do they trust me, are all things that run through my head on a daily basis. And with relationships back home I just don’t hear from people which causes me to question why, were we ever really friends, are they still going to be my friend when I COS, are they going to want to see me if I go home for a visit, again all things that enter my mind because of my anxiety. Honestly, this is all so stupid because it’s just lies that my anxiety is telling me and helping me to ruin friendships one friend at a time. Don’t let those things fool you I have great friends here and back home that are incredible support systems.  Now with all this anxiety and all that runs through my mind on a daily basis especially at night it causes me to not be able to sleep at all. For example this morning I want to bed at 7am and woke up at 11am so yeah you can say I don’t sleep. With my anxiety I also have a little thing called hypochondria, which means that since I haven’t been sleeping my brain naturally tells me that something more is wrong and I am sick and I have a tumor and blah blah blah. However, my insomnia is so bad that I am going into the Peace Corps doctors to get things checked out and see if we can help me sleep, because this insomnia isn’t going to allow me to do my job very well.
With all my insomnia and constant stream of anxiety it also leaves me with a hot mess of emotions and I cry constantly. I know what you’re thinking, God this girl is a mess is she enjoying herself at all? The answer to that is very simple, yes yes I am. When I set foot into my classrooms I am instantly fueled my exhaustion escapes, my anxiety subsides, and I teach my heart out and I am left incredibly blessed and happy about my life and all that I am doing here in the Peace Corps. When my students run up to me to say hi, to talk to me, or even just smiles at me again every fades and I am reminded why I decided to join the Peace Corps and that was to do my best to be there and support the kids I encounter and do my best to touch their lives and make them smile. I also have a blast hanging out with my friends that are slowly becoming family, not to mention I get random texts and phone calls from my sweet new friends here encouraging me and reminding me that me being here is exactly where I am supposed to be and that that my anxiety shall pass it always eventually does, which leads me to why I got my newest tattoo.  A few weeks ago I got two new tattoos, one is a watercolor cat that is simple and beautiful, and my other new one is special and so important. It is the serotonin structure that we turned into branches and added flowers to make it more beautiful that way I always have the reminder of anxiety not being an ugly disaster that life is still beautiful and that happiness is always there you just have to live one day at a time, which it also says “One day; at a time” above the tattoo. You will find a picture of the tattoo below.
So through all this I have learned that I am much stronger than I think, but that I am much harder on myself than I need to be. I am also learning that despite my struggles I love being here in Uganda, I love the Peace Corps, and I am truly happy living here.
Term 2 has started with a bang. I have been reviewing phonics with my P2 and P4 students. We have also announced our boys and girls club and theatre club. I am also beginning another phonics class with P3 and Library classes with each class. I have such a busy term ahead but it is all things that I absolutely love doing and I can’t wait to see what happens with my pupils and how they grow through these activities.
Sorry for all my scattered thoughts I don’t know if any of it makes sense, but it’s where I am at with life here and I always want to be honest. There is another thing that I am majorly struggling with but I am waiting to figure out a word that I am going to focus on to get through this season and once I do I will tell you all about it. Also don’t worry I’m still focusing on being brave, that will be my word for the next two years while I am serving in the Peace Corps.



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